Monday, August 15, 2005

Bad consumer! No! No!!

If you order this I will rub your nose in it!!!

Ok. Following below is the official press release from sizzler re: the meal advertised above (with my comments of course):

Sherman Oaks, CA - What's the next best thing to having a culinary Olympian come to your house to cook dinner? Going to his, which is why Sizzler Executive Chef Dudley McMahon is inviting guests over for "Chef Dudley¹s Backyard BBQ Combo."

Ok. 1: I don't want this guy at my house. I don't want him within a hundred feet of it. Anyone who could be stunt doubled by bit part actor Michael G. Hagerty does not pass go, does not enter castle five pints. And I don't want to go to his house, with its backyard appointments fresh off the rack at Expo and his great halls lovingly adorned with the calibre of oil-on-velvet paintings that only an executive chef for the Sizzler's salary could provide. So really, the teaser line is wasted on me (and I hope any discerning consumer).

A life-size, stand-up cut-out of Chef Dudley holding his latest creation greets guests at the chain¹s more than 300 locations. The
$11.99 Backyard BBQ Combo features ribs, chicken, shrimp and choice of corn-on-the-cob or a vegetable skewer.

2. Wait a minute -- it's life-size? How do the customers get through the door then? They themselves average the same girth as Dudley's, so I don't see it working. Does the fire department know?
And let's address the food, shall we? I know the ad is set up to fill us with comfortable feelings since all of the foods match the APPROVED COLORS FOR AMERICANS® that lets us know a food item is desirable. But step back for a minute folks. Corn is not supposed to be that color. It only gets that way when it is genetically modified, which I believe I've mentioned before, is a bad thing. What do you suppose comes on the "vegetable skewer" (the 'new steamed vegetables' that the ad above talks about)? I'm guessing two sections of carrot, three of broccoli, in their brilliant ACFA® glory.

McMahon, vice president of product development, is an award-winning culinarian and member of Team USA, which won the coveted gold medal in the 1992 Culinary Olympics held in Frankfurt, Germany. He joined Sizzler in 2001 and was given the task of revamping the chain¹s menu and restoring food quality.

3. Has anyone reading this ever met a vice-president of anything? To say nothing of the hawkish, petulant, sebum-oozing cardiac case at the helm of Right Wing America, Inc., VPs of companies are there for one game plan: to make a lot of money, screw over a whole bunch of little people, then take the money and run. That is why it is hard to get a job as a VP after you've had one; they know you know the game. And they know that you know that they know that you know...I digress.
Now, what European was drunk enough to award VP Dudley and his team the gold in the 'Culinary Olympics'? Who were they up against, the VPs from In-n-out and McDonald's? What did they serve? What were the rules of preparation? Would it be considered smuggling to bring dangerous GMO foods and condiments into Germany? I have so many questions. One of these is, 'restoring Sizzler's food quality to what?' As if there were some golden ideal in the past when Sizzler stood out from the rest as the bastion of good taste among a sea of Chili's and Mickey D's. Those halcyon days, when love meant you and yours gorging yourselves on uncleaned, deep-fried bay shrimp. The impossible standard, which 'casual dining' restaurants everywhere hope to attain.

"People don't expect a casual dining chain like Sizzler to have someone with Chef Dudley¹s credentials in charge of their food," said Mike Branigan, vice president of marketing. "One of our challenges is communicating that Sizzler's food has improved tremendously in the last few years, and using Chef Dudley as a spokesperson gives credibility to that message."

4. Can any of these guys say something that wasn't written for them? Do you suppose either of them has even paused from their haze of cocaine and hookers long enough to read this press release? Of course not. Refer to V.P. comment above.

Chef Dudley's Backyard BBQ Combo, launched in late July, continues Sizzler¹s strategy of offering innovative, flavorful food at a great value. The Backyard BBQ Combo includes fall-off-the-bone St.
Louis-style ribs in a 30-spice barbecue sauce, chicken in a citrus-pesto glaze, and shrimp skewered and smothered with sweet chili sauce. The combo also includes farm-fresh corn-on-the cob or vegetable skewer, plus choice of a side dish.

5. Let me guess what the 30 spices are. You can play along with me. Ready?

Table Salt
Kosher Salt
Sea Salt
Celery Salt
Garlic Salt
Citric Acid
Red Sea Salt
Hickory Smoke Salt
Mesquite Smoke Flavor Salt
Jalapeno Salt
Pickling Salt
Onion Salt
Micro Powder Salt Flour
Pretzel Salt
Refined Salt
Seasoning Salt
Black Pepper
Cayenne Pepper
Chipotle Pepper
Ancho Pepper
Arbol Pepper
Green Bell Pepper
Garlic Pepper
Green Pepper
Jalapeno Pepper
Lemon Pepper
Pasilla Pepper
Pequin Pepper
Red Bell Pepper
Serrano Pepper

Well, that wasn't hard. I've heard though that Sizzler's research has allowed them to combine all these ingredients into two simple categories: Salt and Pepper. Then you simply mix them with some Red Dye number five and refined sugar and spread it on! The meat will be falling off of your bones, too, when this NaCL bomb hits your gut. Be sure to get plenty of water.

"Our research tells us that today¹s guests want variety, bold flavors, freshness and more choices, but that value is also very important," said Chef Dudley. "This combo, like our extremely successful $13.99 steak and lobster promotion earlier this year, delivers exactly what guests are looking for. We're serving a caliber of food people expect to find at much more expensive restaurants, and we're offering it at a very reasonable price."

6. Very good. Sounds like a completely off-the-cuff, unrehearsed remark. Since Chef Dudley is such a down-to-earth guy and he's just like you and me, he usually whiles away the hours by reading his company's 'research' and devising new ways to manipulate the cattle-like hordes that apparently flock to the Sizzler's open doors to be greeted by Dudley's life-size effigy.

Chef Dudley will be in his backyard grilling, so to speak, until Sept. 11 when the limited time offer ends.

7. I guess what the corporate officers at Sizzler are trying to tell us is that the real tragedy of September the eleventh is that we will no longer be able to enjoy the value of Louisville style ribs, baked potato, corn on the cob (or NEW steamed vegetables!), shrimp and BBQ chicken all for one low, low price!


Blogger E said...

With choice of corn on the cob or new steamed vegetables? But I wanted old steamed vegetables...

7:44 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Well, I've enjoyed my visit to Bad consumer! No! No!!, but I'm not sure it's what I was looking for. I was actually searching for articles on how to cook cabbage - these search engines are weird! Just thought I'd say hello while I'm here :0)

3:37 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

Crikey! One minute I'm searching the web for things on how to cook lobster, and the next I'm reading Bad consumer! No! No!!. I'm not sure that's exactlly what I had in mind, Dr. Five Pints, but I've enjoyed my visit. Now I'm off to try another search on how to cook lobster.

9:20 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Well, I've enjoyed my visit to Bad consumer! No! No!!, but I'm not sure it's what I was looking for. I was actually searching for articles on how to cook chicken - these search engines are weird! Just thought I'd say hello while I'm here :0)

7:04 PM  

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